This weekend went alright. I went out Friday night to dinner with my boyfriend. At first I didn't know what to discuss as we got to the restaurant. By the way, the restaurant was really good. I cannot tell you the name of it seeing as how it was in kanji. I knew that he liked discussions rather than silence. So I started off with the whole Angels and Demons book. The conversation took off from there. Afterward he was the one that mentioned that he had fun. So it was a good night.

I am a little bit depressed for the simple fact that I will be going out on deployment here very shortly. Nights like that won't be lets go out and eat. I am just thankful that we both go on deployment at the same time versus' one leave and one stay behind method. Just that we won't get to see each other as often as we have gotten used too.

Also I won't be able to fall asleep in his arms for awhile. Do you know how that feels like? To fall asleep with someone? I quite like that. I like it even better than sex. Don't get me wrong, sex is good, but that feeling of cuddling up with your partner and waking up in each other's arms is even better.

My sister cannot believe that I am agnostic. With every thing that has happened to us, I am stunned to think that she could be stunned by finding out. I cannot prove nor disprove the existence of God. The only reason why I will not fully say that I am an atheist is because my mother strongly believed in God. And I wish that she got what she so dreamed about. That she is up in heaven with the angels.

Am I a bastard for thinking the way I do? I don't think so. Maybe some of you will disagree, but I doubt that I could be less than human for having my doubts. Will I go to hell? Maybe, I am fully prepared into thinking that I will go to hell. I doubt God would want me anyways. And seeing as how my life is a living hell most of the time, I wouldn't feel at home in a cushy, perfect heaven. I would always be wondering where the end to all the happiness will start.

But don't get me wrong, I am not a bad person. Hardly ever that. Yes, I have my faults. Like any human I am susceptible to lying, cheating, stealing and all that. But just because I have doubts, doesn't mean I do all that. I do not make fun of people's religion, ethnic background, sexuality, or disabilities if they have any. However, I do know a lot of people who claim to be religious that does make fun of people. Seems kind of two faced right?

Anyways, sometimes I feel like I have no hobbies. I look around and see my friends have something that sets them a part. That makes them unique. My bf has his guitar and his star trek series, my friend his cars. My other friend computers. But me, I don't really do anything that important. Yeah, so I fix engines as well. Can't be helped, I get payed to do it. Not like I have any real love for the job. You wouldn't either if you had to work insane hours all the time with little pay. My mother always told me that the one thing that sets me apart is the fact that I am nice, and love to talk. But can't that get annoying. i know that it does.

I often wonder who I would be if mom didn't die. What interests I would have. Sometimes I feel like a deflated balloon since my mother's death. Like if I never really got over it. And now with my sister's condition, I feel worse than a deflated balloon.

Maybe I would have gone on to build our first colony on the moon. Or was so obsessed with finding a cure for cancer, that I found it. Or maybe gone on to be a great doctor. Yeah, okay, I can't see that one happening only because I faint at blood.

But if I have a destiny what is it? If there is a destiny that is. I know that this blog seems like a pity pot blog, but do not think that! I am merely typing out some feelings that I have all the time and choose not to share it with the real world.

Although I like to point out that my bf helps me without even knowing he does. He helps escape from the reality of my sister. It feels like when I am around him, everything bad seems to go away. Or just stays put, waiting for it's chance to catch me alone. I am thankful that I have him. Although I know if I told him, he might be freaked out with my feelings about the situation.

 

 

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