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Friday, 21 August 2009

  • Long time coming

    I know that it's been awhile. Almost too long since I have been on here. But I am back from the deployment. (A little early I might add.) The deployment was fun but too short. The ship is still out, but I am back in Japan. I went to Australia and Singapore though.

    Australia was a good port. I spent the only day I went out with Mike. It was fun. We went and watched Transformers. He also picked out a very cute outfit for me. I can honestly say that I miss Australia. It was like little America in away just with the accent. Oh and I almost forgot, Mike got me a really good book called a Faint Cold Fear. Really good, I suggest you read it.

    Singapore was alright in the way to rich catagory. Plus they have whats called double tax where they tax the taxes. Yup, unAmerican. But it was still enjoyable. Me and mike went out the first day and did our own sight seeing. The second day we went to Saratosa Island and had fun with his shop. We swam around and what not. I felt bad though because I couldn't drink and everyone at the end did. Mike just took me back to the ship when we lost our buddies that night. I didn't want to be a bumb though.

    The third day they flew me off of the boat. Why? Because I found out I was pregnant like three weeks after Australia. Mike was real happy about it, and I was shocked. I know it sounds bad, but that week before we hit Singapore I felt like my life just went down the drain. I mean, me? A mom? It took sometime to get used to the idea. But now I hope that my baby is a girl. Me and mike already picked out the names. If it is a girl, her name will be Cathrine Marie and if it's a boy his name will be Donald Ian.

    Plus I am getting married in December. Mike told me that he was planning on asking the big question over dinner when we got back from deployment. But being pregnant kind of changed his plans alot. I am glad that he is happy about it and supportive.

Sunday, 19 April 2009

  • Some thoughts and insights into my world.


      This weekend went alright. I went out Friday night to dinner with my boyfriend. At first I didn't know what to discuss as we got to the restaurant. By the way, the restaurant was really good. I cannot tell you the name of it seeing as how it was in kanji. I knew that he liked discussions rather than silence. So I started off with the whole Angels and Demons book. The conversation took off from there. Afterward he was the one that mentioned that he had fun. So it was a good night.

    I am a little bit depressed for the simple fact that I will be going out on deployment here very shortly. Nights like that won't be lets go out and eat. I am just thankful that we both go on deployment at the same time versus' one leave and one stay behind method. Just that we won't get to see each other as often as we have gotten used too.

    Also I won't be able to fall asleep in his arms for awhile. Do you know how that feels like? To fall asleep with someone? I quite like that. I like it even better than sex. Don't get me wrong, sex is good, but that feeling of cuddling up with your partner and waking up in each other's arms is even better.

    My sister cannot believe that I am agnostic. With every thing that has happened to us, I am stunned to think that she could be stunned by finding out. I cannot prove nor disprove the existence of God. The only reason why I will not fully say that I am an atheist is because my mother strongly believed in God. And I wish that she got what she so dreamed about. That she is up in heaven with the angels.

    Am I a bastard for thinking the way I do? I don't think so. Maybe some of you will disagree, but I doubt that I could be less than human for having my doubts. Will I go to hell? Maybe, I am fully prepared into thinking that I will go to hell. I doubt God would want me anyways. And seeing as how my life is a living hell most of the time, I wouldn't feel at home in a cushy, perfect heaven. I would always be wondering where the end to all the happiness will start.

    But don't get me wrong, I am not a bad person. Hardly ever that. Yes, I have my faults. Like any human I am susceptible to lying, cheating, stealing and all that. But just because I have doubts, doesn't mean I do all that. I do not make fun of people's religion, ethnic background, sexuality, or disabilities if they have any. However, I do know a lot of people who claim to be religious that does make fun of people. Seems kind of two faced right?

    Anyways, sometimes I feel like I have no hobbies. I look around and see my friends have something that sets them a part. That makes them unique. My bf has his guitar and his star trek series, my friend his cars. My other friend computers. But me, I don't really do anything that important. Yeah, so I fix engines as well. Can't be helped, I get payed to do it. Not like I have any real love for the job. You wouldn't either if you had to work insane hours all the time with little pay. My mother always told me that the one thing that sets me apart is the fact that I am nice, and love to talk. But can't that get annoying. i know that it does.

    I often wonder who I would be if mom didn't die. What interests I would have. Sometimes I feel like a deflated balloon since my mother's death. Like if I never really got over it. And now with my sister's condition, I feel worse than a deflated balloon.

    Maybe I would have gone on to build our first colony on the moon. Or was so obsessed with finding a cure for cancer, that I found it. Or maybe gone on to be a great doctor. Yeah, okay, I can't see that one happening only because I faint at blood.

    But if I have a destiny what is it? If there is a destiny that is. I know that this blog seems like a pity pot blog, but do not think that! I am merely typing out some feelings that I have all the time and choose not to share it with the real world.

    Although I like to point out that my bf helps me without even knowing he does. He helps escape from the reality of my sister. It feels like when I am around him, everything bad seems to go away. Or just stays put, waiting for it's chance to catch me alone. I am thankful that I have him. Although I know if I told him, he might be freaked out with my feelings about the situation.

     

     

Sunday, 12 April 2009

  • Currently
    Bag of Bones
    By Stephen King
    see related

    Summer days are gone, Back to Asain Land I go

    Tomorrow I leave the states and go back to Japan. It has been fun here, and I did exactly what I wanted to do. To veg out at various people's houses and do almost nothing. Although this leave felt like a fist in gut with the news about my sister, I am glad that I came back home.

    I guess it's always true about the whole home is where the heart is. And even though I am torn in two with where my heart rests, I can't deny that I love being back home. What I mean with my heart being torn in two is that my boyfriend is in Japan, and I miss him like crazy. And the other part doesn't want to leave here.

    Last night when I was coming back from Handford, I had nostalgia. I remember that far away summer when I was joining the Navy and was driving those same roads back and forth at least once a week or so. Some times my sister would come pick me up, or sometimes I would drive alone. And I always thought of everything that I had the potential of gaining, never thinking about the things that I would be giving up.

    Do you know how hard it is for me to even think about boarding that plane tomorrow? It's going to take all of my self will and control to hop in the plane. The only thing that I am looking forward too is seeing the look on Mike's face when he gets off work and sees me. That will be a nice look.

    I can't deny that I actually enjoy acting like an adult and not having my family hold my hand on everything I do. I guess it's hard for people to actually realize that their little girl is grown up and can make her own decisions for her. Even though, I miss home. I wonder when I get to come back here.

    Hopefully I don't get that call from Red Cross telling me that I have to come home now because of my sister. Hopefully next time I come, it will be full of joy. But I know that the next time I take leave, I will either be ending up in Washington, visiting my other sister, or I will be Hawaii, loving the new scene. So coming home won't be for along time.

    I am going to miss California's warm weather. Even in April. They really don't know what cold is. Good thing that back in Japan, I still have my coats and what not. That and I brought my jacket here to wear while I went to the airport over there.

    Also, I won't miss how rude people are hear. How much they really don't care. That's what sucks about the states. People are ruder here than in Japan. But don't get me wrong, I am not whining or anything. I will actually miss this place and everyone here.

Saturday, 11 April 2009

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  • Currently
    Bag of Bones
    By Stephen King
    see related

    Death is striking again

    Why is life so cruel? Why can't bad things just stop happening? If there is a God, why does he like taking loved ones away? Life is too cruel to think that there is a God.

    But I am thankful that I have the blog site that my family doesn't know about. Because they don't know that I know their most darkest secret that they have been with holding from me since last October. And the only reason why I know is because my aunt got mad at me and told me, thinking that I knew. Oh how wrong she is.

    You see, I found out that my sister has leukemia. That she had it since last October. And that she didn't want me to know about it. I don't care that she didn't tell me. Okay, so that was a lie. I really do care that she didm't tell me. We used to tell all our secrets to each other. And now, I don't even know my own sister.

    What's cruel is that I get to watch another person in my family die. Wasn't it not enough that I had to watch my mother die? That we kids had to be put through hell for thirteen years of our lives before that pivital turning point? Now I get to watch my sister, my twin, my best friend, try and beat this monster. And I wish she knew all along that she didn't have to be alone in it. That I would be there as I am now. That I won't treat her any different.

    And I keep thinking that no matter how scared I am, it must be even more scarier for her. I don't want to loose my sister, I don't want her to die. And now it's going to be an up hill battle. And the thing is, I live in Japan now. And I can't easily just move back to America to help her.

    Every day since I found out the news, a band has been tightening around my chest. I can't even go up to my own Grandpa and tell him that I know. Because my sister doesn't want me to know. I feel that band tightening every time I stop by his house and chill with him.

    And what's worse is that it feels like I don't have anyone to talk too because I am not supposed to know. How can I look at my sister and know that she's dying, know that she's going to go to chemo, and have to fake a smile? I don't want to loose her. I wish that it was me that was going through with what my sister has. That way no one would care. And my sister could lead a healthy life. After all, I was the twin that should never have lived, and the one that should have is dying. How ironic? My sister doesn't deserve this. My sister deserves to experience life, to get married, to have kids, to watch them grow up. Not to go through chemo, loose her hair, loose weight, and fight for her life. It should have been me.

    Why is God so cruel? Why can't he just leave us alone? He already took mom from us, why does he have to take nancy? Why?

beautifulmys

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About Me

  • I'm just trying to live my life, a writer with writers block, working on engines for a living. A freakin lovable ninja that can't do the whole sneak thing, a loyal friend, a non bullshitter that likes to bullshit with friends, one of the guys without being a guy, and most of all, i am me.

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